For years, county fairs have provided not only family fun but also high-caloric treats whose first ingredient is “a disinterest in living long enough to see sunset.” But recently fair foodies have been greeted with some new taste sensations that have their stomachs desperately trying to escape through their navel.
Fried Ice Cream Burger
When county fairs introduced the Krispy Kreme Burger—a cheeseburger between two glazed donuts—critics feared it would be only a matter of time before the food pyramid consisted entirely of crullers, Cinnabons, and a section simply marked “Hostess.” But we as a nation proved these pundits wrong by veering sharply away from unhealthy pastries and instead heading straight into a Baskin Robbins. And so the Fried Ice Cream Burger was born, featuring a giant scoop of battered fried ice cream served atop a cheeseburger with lettuce, tomato, and probably a Paula Deen bacon doughnut because not even type 2 diabetes is going to stop mankind from exploring all the world has to offer between the Ferris wheel and the tilt-a-whirl attached by a single screw to a flatbed truck.
Corn Dog Pizza
A pizza is like a canvas for your dreams. Want to experience a Hawaiian luau without ever leaving your dorm room? Get the ham and pineapple pizza. Want to experience what fine dining would be like in the “Hunger Games” District 12? Get a sauceless, cheeseless pizza with a lump of coal in the middle. Want the fun times and happy memories of a county fair to forever remain lodged inside your colon until your autopsy 15 minutes later? Then get the Corn Dog Pizza, a cheese pie topped with lengthwise-sliced corn dogs for a meal that makes Domino’s Oreo Pizza look like a whole-wheat pita. Why not simply eat a slice of pizza in one hand and a corn dog in the other, you ask? Because you still need a hand free for your drink and you can’t wear a beer helmet when you’re already sporting a nacho sombrero.
Baby Ruth-Stuffed Jalapenos
It's a great idea to sometimes balance the sweet with the spicy. But this isn't the way! Baby Ruths should sooth your poor abused mouth after you put it through the horrors of a jalapeno. Eating both at the same time is like dressing up as Santa and telling your kids that Christmas is cancelled— you're sending the MOST mixed of signals.
Pork Parfait
With the exception of kids who claim they can attach their own safety harnesses, no creature gets slaughtered more at a county fair than the pig. That’s because like water to earth, a fair is made up of over 70% bacon and pork (and the occasional deep fried pig’s ear). And nothing captures that “This is our revenge for ‘Animal Farm’!” approach to cooking like the Pork Parfait, a sundae-style concoction of pulled pork with mashed potatoes as the ice cream and barbecue sauce as the hot fudge. Served in a big see-through cup, it’s like having a dessert before your real dessert. Or it’s like having a dessert before a dessert before an actual dessert if you decide to follow it up with the Emu-Latte.
Caramel Apples Dipped in Mealworms
From chocolate-covered scorpions to deep-fried crickets, county fairs have gone a long way to prove you can be your own insect exterminator if you shut your eyes real tight and keep thinking of chicken. All of which leads to a photo we should have warned was coming six paragraphs back. If it makes you feel any better, the above mealworms are pre-fried and not simply attached by shoving a caramel apple into the dirt and waiting for nature to provide the topping. However, if that does indeed make you feel any better you may already be standing behind a booth at a county fair with a funnel cake in one hand and a writhing rat in the other thinking, “Can I charge $8 for this?”
What food scares you? Let us know in the comments!
Check Out Foods That Would Have Been Better If Apple Designed Them!
Comments
Post a Comment