Although Abraham Lincoln currently ranks as the most famous presidential vampire hunter, the United States has a long yet unknown history of Commander-in-Chiefs who split their time between running the country and ramming a wooden stake through a heart.
Thomas Jefferson
One of the Founding Fathers of the anti-vampire movement, Thomas Jefferson wrote “RIP OUT THEIR FANGS AND BURN ALL BATS!!!” over 800 times in the first draft of the Declaration of Independence, only for Ben Franklin to suggest that such might only confuse an already insane King George III. Jefferson then went on to found the University of Virginia as a vampire hunter/gentleman ninja training ground and secure the Louisiana Purchase in case vampires could not be killed by pewter mugs and everyone had to flee westward. However, his reputation took a hit when it was found he had sired an illegitimate child with a vampire. But over 200 hundred years later he was eventually honored for his tireless efforts by having his face carved into the side of the Vampire Strategic Defense Volcano, which was later decommissioned due to budget cuts and renamed “Mount Rushmore.”
William Howard Taft
Remembered for being the fattest U.S, president on record, William H. Taft was in actuality a svelte 150-pound man who hid inside an enormous, armored exoskeleton (which ran on steam power, resulting in numerous embarrassing gas emissions). This defense system not only made Taft’s blood vessels impervious to vampire bites (not to mention cannonballs) but when it opened up gave him immediate access to such weapons as axes, wooden stakes, and a special McCormick reaper that required a team of horses (also in his suit) to cut and gather vampire corpses. Even Taft’s legendary gigantic bath tub—supposedly built to for his tremendous girth—was in fact used to drown vampires in holy water often for the amusement of visiting dignitaries because this was before the Internet and you had to make your own fun.
Theodore Roosevelt
After secret werewolf President McKinley was shot with a silver bullet by a vampire in the long running war between the two groups that was eventually rewritten as “Underworld” films one through 37, Theodore Roosevelt assumed leadership swearing vengeance on all bloodsuckers. To that end he took up hunting as a cover for shooting vampires all across the world (allowing a small bear to remain alive after he realized it was just a zombie), created a system of national parks that were meant to be used as final strongholds should the vampires get their hands on mustard gas or win a general election, and eventually won the Nobel Peace Prize for quietly, mercifully beating the crap out of a thousand vampires with a big stick.
Franklin D. Roosevelt
Following in the footsteps of fifth cousin Theodore, Franklin Roosevelt launched a worldwide campaign against vampires after they swooped in on their capes into Pearl Harbor. This war effort helped get the United States out of the depression by employing everyone (including infants and the occasional able-bodied dog) to make wooden stakes and crosses while our boys overseas grew as much garlic as possible in a military campaign that never really lent itself to patriotic films, inspiring songs, or non-culinary History Channel documentaries. Unfortunately, Franklin himself was bitten by a vampire, resulting in him needing a wheelchair so he could forever be strapped down and not fly away during a radio speech or Yalta Conference. This bite also made the president immortal, which not only allowed him to win an unprecedented four elections but potentially millions more had not Vice-President Harry S. Truman inadvertently opened up the curtains in the Oval Office and caused Franklin to burn to death.
Richard Nixon
A strong supporter of Senator Joseph McCarthy’s anti-vampire hysteria back in the 1950’s, President Richard Nixon doubled war efforts in Vietnam in the late 60’s with the hopes of preventing Asia from falling into the hands of Dracula (who at that time went by the name of “HYPERLINK "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leonid_Brezhnev"Leonid Brezhnev” or “Lenny” to his poker buddies). This, however, could not distract the nation’s attention from Nixon’s ever-increasing five o’clock shadow, a sure sign that he was in fact a werewolf or at the very least a partially shaved gorilla. In attempt to prevent from transforming into a monster during a televised debate or cameo on “Laugh In,” Nixon commissioned Apollo 13 to travel to the moon and darken it forever with the tarp used during baseball rain delays. The mission, alas, was a complete failure and Nixon sent men to break into the Watergate Complex and burn all personal medical records that included the phrase “Dear god, he has a tail.” But the burglars were caught, a huge scandal erupted, and Nixon left the Office of the President in disgrace just two minutes shy of turning into a werewolf and devouring everyone in his departing helicopter.
Ronald Reagan
Although known for being out-of-touch and a bit brain-addled during his presidency, that was nothing compared to when Ronald Regan was a struggling actor in Hollywood. There he single-handedly decapitated any performer who ever portrayed a vampire, mummy, zombie, werewolf, Frankenstein monster, “Wizard of Oz” munchkin, or background extra, believing them all to be a security threat to the nation. In doing so Reagan completely destroyed the entire horror movie genre, forcing producers to instead turn to westerns, allowing the future President many a leading role until it was discovered he used real bullets both during filmed gunfights and while waiting on line for lunch at the studio commissary.
What other presidents do you suspect hunted vampires? Let us know in the comments!
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