School is a series of embarrassing, terrifying, soul-crushing events you have absolutely no control over. It was bad enough when Desi from home room found out you cried when Mrs. Edwards screened "The Lion King" the day before summer break – when the clearly masochistic Mrs. Edwards twisted the knife further by springing a pop quiz on you, your world completely crumbled. You don’t have to take that kind of abuse, though. Just follow one of the patented strategies on this list and you’ll never have to suffer the indignity of a pop quiz again.
Blackmail Mrs. Black
Ah, blackmail. If there’s a more effective way to get people to do exactly what you want, I’d like to hear it. Don’t feel like showing off your lack of knowledge of calculus? Just show your teacher those incriminating photos you have of her and Jimmy, the head custodian. She’ll give you a pass.
Cry Like a Baby
When it comes to making people feel uncomfortable enough to give you your way, sobbing is almost as effective as blackmail. Scratch down a few wrong answers, then cover your quiz in so many tears that it becomes illegible – if pressured for details, tell your teacher that your dog Scrappy just died. Works like a charm.
Go Wee-Wee
Wanna go all out (and go down as a legend)? Wet your pants. Now, hear me out – you might permanently lose the respect of your peers, but you will get an extra day to study before you have to take that English test. Totally worth it, no?
Meditate, Man
Use your imagination to take yourself far, far away from the stresses that surround you...picture yourself lounging beside a gentle mountain spring or a beautiful, desolate beach. Breathe in and out, feeling the air as it enters and exits your lungs. Ah...now doesn’t that feel better? (NOTE: This will only emotionally get you out of the pop quiz – physically, however, you will still fail said quiz).
Drive Her Crazy
Slowly drive your teacher insane by moving your chair one millimeter closer to her desk for each three minutes of class time that elapses – if she asks if you've been moving your chair, deny everything. In about two months' time, she'll be completely nuts. Boo-yah!
Barter With a Baby
In exchange for not having to do the quiz, promise to give your first born child to your teacher. She’ll totally be up for it ‘cause she can't have her a child of her own – Jimmy the Custodian, a notorious playboy, will never be ready to settle down.
Do the Drop Out
Drop out of school and start living your dream of becoming a total disappointment to your parents. Why wait? Think of all the money they’ll save on your college education!
You’re Fired
Have no imagination whatsoever? Just pull a fire alarm! Hey, it ain't graceful, but it works. (editor note: please don't do this. Megan we need to have a talk!)
Working hard and respecting yourself is overrated. What else can you do to scrape through school? Let me know in the comments!
Comments
Post a Comment