Public service announcement commercials have covered a wide range of topics, from health to safety to “G.I. Joe” characters telling kids why they shouldn’t just run up and hug fallen power lines. But some public service lessons were so strange in nature—or so remarkably low in budget—that they failed in their message but more than made up for it in entertainment value…
“Stars Wars Anti-Smoking Ad”
Sample Line: “Artoo, do you really think I don’t have a heart?”
R2-D2 instantly thinks he looks cool because he picked up a lit cigarette someone clearly just spit out on the sidewalk. But C-3PO is quick to explain the dangers of smoking, especially to the heart, only for Artoo to cruelly comment that Threepio has no heart. (Whether Artoo meant that both literally and figuratively is up for the viewer to decide.) The ad then ends on with an emotionally crushed C-3PO looking to his friend/tormentor for just one shred of reassurance.
“We’re Not Candy”
Sample Line: “This is serious! We could make you delirious!”
Hoping to dissuade small children form mistaking prescription pills for M&Ms, four blue pill hand puppets that look suspiciously like off-brand Viagra (or dyed pita pockets) sing in disturbingly unnatural high-pitched voices against a stark black background. The result is something that sacred little kids away not only from prescription bottles but also TV forever or at least until they come down from whatever the hell their Flintstones Chewables were apparently laced with.
“VD Is for Everybody!”
Sample Line: “Anyone can share VD with someone nice as you.”
This Canadian PSA tries to tell viewers that anyone could have a venereal disease by showing a montage of average, smiling people you might know if you still lived in 1969 Ottawa. But instead it seems to be saying that not only does EVERYONE have VD but because of it they’re having the time of their lives. The moral of the ad is clear—Join in on the fun! Get infected today!
“Cable TV Will Destroy Us All”
Sample Line: “Monsters do have their place—in a zoo!”
Before almost everyone had cable, networks tried to warn people away from the evils of having more channels to choose from. (Granted, back then those extra channels only showed old repeats from the network channels, but still.) And so they equated the very idea of an HBO or USA Network with a Satanic bedtime, an exuberant vampire, or the rather odd idea that zoos house monsters, perhaps in the hopes that schoolchildren everywhere will be able to see King Kong before his kind becomes extinct or unprofitable to cage.
“Don’t Put It In Your Mouth”
Sample Line: “Always ask someone you love before you put anything your mouth.”
“Always ask someone you love before you put anything your mouth.” A simple Canadian ad featuring two blue puppets warning kids not to eat unknown food or swallow things they find on the floor turns into the most unfortunate, innuendo-laden song ever. (Unless it was followed by “Don’t You Two Do That on Top of My Camaro.”)
“Exercise Your Chompers”
Sample Line: “Exercise is great but exercise your chompers, too.”
A PSA that finally gets the word out that chewing involves teeth, courtesy of a cartoon character that’s a cross between The Fonz and someone Tony would eventually bludgeon on “The Sopranos.” Alas, the ad also gets the word out that eating is a form of exercise, encouraging a quick spike in husky jeans sales due to gym routines involving constant snacking.
“Batgirl Equal Pay”
Sample Line: “Holy discontent!”
Of course, no one can argue with the message. Batgirl SHOULD be getting paid the same Robin. The only question is, since when were Robin and Batgirl on Batman’s payroll? And how can Batman write Batgirl a check if he doesn’t know her real identity? Did banks back in the 60’s accept checks made out to anonymous superheroes? Did Batman just funnel the money out of Wayne Enterprises and if so wouldn’t that reveal his identity or at the very least seem sort of like embezzlement? And for two helpless guys who need saving, Batman and Robin sure seem annoyed with a hero who could simply walk away and probably get a better salary and healthcare plan working for Wonder Woman.
“Far Out, It’s The Bicentennial”
Sample Line: No dialogue. Just one unending guitar jam.
Funded by “The United States Information Agency” (perhaps the most frighteningly named government department since “The United States Enforced Curfew Council”), this mushroom-laced celebration of America’s 200th birthday in 1976 features strobe-light effects, a Mount Rushmore without George Washington, and hot dog after hot dog after television, all to say “Hooray the U.S.A. oh God my hands are talking to me do we have any more chips left I don’t feel so good.”
“Pee-Wee Herman Talks Crack Cocaine”
Sample Line: “What’s really bad is that nobody knows how much it takes.”
Pee-Wee Herman—the man whose best friends were a talking chair, a talking globe, and a severed genie head in a jewel box--has a serious chat about the dangers of doing drugs as all the while viewers wait for him to break into a manic cackle and frantically run around like he just snorted 16 lines of Carpet Fresh.
“Star Wars Drunk Driving”
Sample Line: “Snort growl snort rrrrrr.”
And so we end this as we began it—with “Star Wars” showing us right from wrong. In this case it’s an alien having one too many, perhaps so he could drown out the sound of a 148-minute rendition of the only song the cantina band seems to know how to play (aside from “YMCA” at weddings). Of course, this leaves viewers wondering just how many spaceship pilots in the “Star Wars” film flew drunk and if the only reason the Rebel Alliance won is because stormtroopers just can’t stop at one apple martini.
Which one was the weirdest? Let me know in the comments!
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