So I recently had to do that horrible act of breaking up with someone. It was tough, since she spends so much time modeling in Milan and I have to constantly be on the road bullfighting/volunteering for PETA, our schedules just weren’t working out. So guess how I did it you guys, a text. A text…like a JERK. Now normally your good buddy @danborrelli has a little more class than that. But in an age where the Pope can retire, I can change my life’s direction with emojis. But to be honest, I do feel bad. So I thought of 6 better ways to break up with someone.
6. THE MR. NICE GUY
This is the right way guys and girls. #Politeness It’s easy to forget that the people we form relationships become affected by our decisions. It’s best to really explain your reasons. Put the relationship in perspective. Show them respect. And move on. That’s the RIGHT. But it’s not the ONLY way…
5. THE CALL OF DUTY
There comes a time in everyone’s life where they accept the hand they’re dealt. For some, that’s in the form of a career, or an economic situation. For others, it’s a higher calling. The Call of Duty. You go for coffee, sit outside, daytime. Give it to her straight, right away. You’ve found your calling. Whether it’s religion, the military, volunteering in Africa for African stuff; it’s something that will take over your life and there is simply no time for a relationship anymore. Apologize. Wish her well. Kiss your finger and shush her softly. Walk away…
4. THE CINCINNATI FIREWORK
This has a similar set up to the Mr. Nice Guy and the Call of Duty. Only with The Cincinnati Firework, there’s a delicate trick to it. A third of the way into your explination, whether real of phony, you look behind her, point, and scream "LOOK OUT! GHAAAA! GODZIWWA!!!! MISSA JONES MISSA JONES!!!! HOWWY GO WIGHWYY, RACISM!!" Then when she turns to look, you bolt out of there. You leave some cash for the check of couse. You’re not a monster.
3. THE FRANK AND SAMMY
This one is tough as it requires a black or white friend. Since I’m white, I’ll use the example of a black friend. You make plans to meet up with your bu for a nice dinner. After all, you’ve been dating a short while and it would only be reasonable to do something romantic. Here’s the twist, your black friend shows up in your place. He says he’s you, goes to kiss her, act like nothing is weird. When she is significantly creeped out, she will leave and try to contact you. Here’s where it gets tricky. THIS IS NOT FOR BEGINNERS PEOPLE! This is an advanced break up move. I cannot stress that enough. In the moments leading up to the date, you have switched all of your social media profiles to feature his pictures. He has your phone, apartment, everything. He must show up as you for work as well, for she will notably try to find you there. All that’s left is you enjoying your new found freedom.
2. THE ANNEXATION OF PUERTO RICO
It’s simple. EASY move for first timers. You invite her over and break up with her while watching Little Giants. She’ll be SO freakin stoked to be watching Little Giants that will even out and she’ll leave with no hard feelings. A great move for divorce as well.
1. THE MAN WHO NEVER WAS
This is as difficult as it gets y’all. Only the top breaker uppers should attempt The Man Who Never Was. It’s similar to the Frank and Sammy, only with one small twist. You. As a person. Starting right now. Has never existed. Ever. Here’s what you do. You set up a date, a nice one. You never show up. She calls, texts, she’s pissed. Then she’s worried. It’s been a week, where are you? Your facebook is gone. In fact, there is no sign of you on any social media platform. You’ve moved at this point and someone new is in your apartment, they’ve never heard of you. You’ve briefed all of your friends on this, so when she asks them they just react like she’s being funny again. Then they start to worry about her. Ultimately this ends wit you on a beach in Cabo and she’s in an insane asylum. This also works if you’re going to rob a casino in Vegas, but mainly it’s used for breakups. And that my friends, is The Man Who Never Was #BarneyStinsonIsMyRoleModel
What’s the weirdest breakup you’ve ever had? Let me know in the comments below or by screaming at me @danborrelli
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