Even the friendliest, the easiest, the most mature of break-ups goes through a mourning period. Or, to be more precise, a period that begins with the best of intentions, gets sidetracked by growing fears and culminates in a series of disastrous decisions and surprise visits…
1. “We will always be the best of best friends forever…BBFFs…I should probably stop hugging now.”
This is how it all begins, with the very last time you will ever hold each other. Oh, you’ll promise you’ll stay in touch, have each other’s back, even still go see that movie you’ve been talking about forever together. You’ll even say how one day you’ll each give a toast at the other person’s wedding. Then you’ll think, “God, I hope I didn’t say that out loud.” Then you’ll realize you’re still talking about weddings out loud and really need to stop doing that. Then you’ll feel their arms letting go so you’ll start letting go and soon you’re awkwardly smiling at each other, hands in pockets and eyes not quite looking directly at one other as you two immediately start to grow further and further apart.
2. “I forgot how often we cross paths…on the way to the same office.”
But, you’ll soon realize, not far enough apart. It’s not that you mind regularly bumping into them. Or that you have any feelings about it whatsoever, you repeatedly tell your friends, cat and indifferent hot dog vendor. But whenever you DO cross paths you find yourself waving too enthusiastically and babbling about the weather like a meteorologist trying to hide a triple homicide. Or you exclaim, “That’s great!” just a little too loud with too big a smile whenever they say things are going well for them. Then you go your separate ways as you realize how much you miss them saying “I love you, too” at the end of your conversations. Before you know it you’re sitting in a café playing the moment over and over again for any hint of emotion as you absentmindedly reverse engineer a muffin by slowly shredding it back into crumbs and cranberries.
3. “I don’t care if they’re seeing someone. I’m just curious if they’re seeing anyone…They’re not though, right?…Right?….Why are you looking away?”
One day you’ll log onto Facebook and purely by accident see that your ex posted a bunch of new photos of them smiling alongside someone you don’t recognize. Then by complete mischance you’ll scan their entire wall and see such updates as “Really looking forward to tonight,” “Haven’t been this happy in a long time” and “The two of us will be there.” Then by a freaky fluke of luck you’ll happen to track down every single one of your mutual friends and continuously ask in a roundabout way if your ex has mentioned someone new. Or has been seen with someone new. Or if your mutual friends know any new people that you can be seen with, preferably in countless photos on Facebook.
4. “Can’t we talk? Talk like friends talk? Friends talk all the time…I had no idea it was that late over there…I know we live in the same time zone.”
At this point you’ve asked your friends the same exact question without stop, thinking that if you somehow phrase it just right they will give you the answer you want to hear, not the one your heart is unprepared to take. And so soon those very friends will start telling you, “It’s time to move on,” or “Let it go” or “You *&%$ ask me that question one more time and I’ll shove my foot so far up you’re a** that when you open your mouth people will read ‘Sketchers’!” And that’s when you know what you have to do…start asking your ex the same exact question instead. Then they will hem and haw, trying to avoid hurting your feelings while you think it’s because they were always shifty like that, until you get the answer you always needed but never wanted.
5. “That’s it! Screw it. I’m unfriending them, unfollowing them, deleting their number, nixing them from Gchat and only reading their Twitter feed every single day.”
And with that comes the stage known “scorched earth policy.” The stage at which you are so incredibly angry that they moved on just like they always said they would—and sincerely hoped you would, too, for your own good—that you sever all means of social contact with them. “How could I be friends with someone who would date someone after we were no longer dating?!” you’ll yell at your rather confused cat. “How could they no longer be true to me after we were no longer in each other’s lives?!” you’ll ask your now rather confused self. “How…” Then the words will stop coming as you finally, truly, start to let go.
6. “(Sob)”
And so you finally have the grief you always needed to move on but tried so hard to avoid to protect yourself or to act cool or to not vomit so hard that you actually taste things you ate as a child. But then the pain, the tears, even the reliving of dinners past get less and less and less. Until one day you realize you haven’t thought about your ex in you don’t know how long as you reach across the table for the hand of that someone new…that someone who now makes you look so damn happy in all those Facebook photos you just uploaded.
What other stages of grief are there? Let us know in the comments!
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